Anyone who has been around young children for any amount of time knows their favorite question is “Why?”
There have been times in my life when I’ve gotten the answer to a why question I was probably better off not knowing. We think knowing the reasons will bring us comfort or clarity, but we better be sure we’re asking a question we really want the answer to. It’s like asking a guy why he’s breaking up with you . . . are you really prepared to hear what he might say?
This summer, my struggle with needing to know why truly got put to the test.
When Alex lost his job in July, I immediately asked why. I wanted details, and I wanted it all to make sense. I questioned Alex, I wanted to question his company, and I even questioned God. I let understanding the why consume me, frustrate me. I wasted several days being angry, demanding an explanation from anybody who would listen. Finally, I realized that wasn’t helping anyone. Ultimately, the why didn’t matter. There was nothing I could do to change the why, so I needed to move forward.
Through this experience, I realized there were three things that were helping me get past my need to know why.
The first thing I did was pray. I prayed for all sorts of things–patience that Alex would get a new job. Peace not to spend 24 hours a day worrying until he did. Discernment that he would know when it was the right job. Distraction so that the waiting wouldn’t deplete his hope and his positive outlook.
Funny thing is, those are the same things I pray for when the boys get going with their whys too- “Dear Lord, please give me the patience to endure this never-ending stream of questions that makes me want to pull my hair out. If you could just send a big truck, a school bus, or a rescue vehicle down the road right this second to distract these boys, I’d be forever grateful.”
The next thing I did was to be thankful. This one was definitely the hardest. Chances are, if you’re left asking why, it’s usually because something you wouldn’t normally give thanks for has happened. Who wants to count their blessings in the middle of adversity? I don’t think that’s exactly a natural reaction, and I found it took a little creativity on my part to find the silver lining.
When I looked closely, though, I saw we have a lot to be thankful for. We have family and friends supporting us. I think I’ve gotten more texts from friends checking in over the past three months than I’ve gotten in my entire life, reminding me that we’re not alone. I’m also thankful that Alex has been able to spend more quality time with the boys than ever before. He has been able to take the boys to school, attend school events, and even coach Jackson’s soccer team, all things his long hours prevented him from doing in the past.
Finally, instead of spinning my wheels over the why, I decided to do what I could to help and offer support. Instead of letting the unknown and the unanswered paralyze me, I tried to figure out how to be more productive. It felt good to actually do something, even if it was something small like proofreading a resume or brainstorming job ideas. Taking concrete action gave me a small sense of control in an otherwise uncertain situation.
Don’t get me wrong, this plan isn’t fool proof, and there are still times I find the whys creeping into my thoughts. There is a scene in Forrest Gump when Forrest runs through dog poop, and when another guy mentions it, Forrest simply replies, “It happens.” And he’s right- we all run through the proverbial dog poop at one time or another. The important part isn’t why “it” happens; the important part is how we respond to it. Granted, it does seem like life would be easier if every why had a nice and neat, cut and dried answer. But that kind of thinking assumes we live in a black and white world, when in reality, we live in a whole lot of gray.
In 1990, Budweiser introduced a new beer to the market, popularizing the mantra “Why ask why? Try Bud Dry.” While Bud Dry didn’t make it as a beer, the slogan has had a much longer shelf life, mainly because it gets to the heart of the matter, putting actions over thoughts. Life is going to have its challenges, that’s a given. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is let go of the questions and try to help each other move forward one day at a time.
